My observations after 7 months without speech

It’s quite interesting how the simple act of refraining from speech develops an acuter awareness of thoughts. Currently, I have not spoken for nearly 7 months out of the year vow of silence that I have taken on my birthday in November last year. I had planned to take this vow a few years ago and thought it would be an ideal time at 33 years old to take it.


praying


When you don’t speak, there is a lot of reflection. I have become a lot more aware of the motives behind what I would normally say but now analyze instead. I have noticed that much of what I wish to express is born out of my ego. It’s fascinating and frankly humbling to observe it all.

Strictly speaking (no pun intended), however, it isn’t obvious to me that complete selflessness is possible. I feel like, at most, our actions can benefits others as much as they benefits us. I don’t believe it is possible to act in a way that doesn’t benefit ourself. If I make and offer a cup of coffee for my loved one’s enjoyment, can it be said that it is a selfless act or am I getting the satisfaction of seeing the resulting smile?

I was 29 years old when I thought about experiencing a year of abstaining from speech. To do it at 33 was not only giving me a few years to “prepare”, but would also commemorate the death of Christ on the cross. I wanted to keep Jesus in my heart in this journey so as to understand his more profoundly.

I didn’t grow up religious at all. My family and I would go to church almost exclusively for funerals or baptisms. I would tag along because when you’re 8 years old that’s what you do. So many things felt extremely strange in my child brain:

  • “Jesus died for your sins”
  • Prayers
  • The constant need to show Jesus covered in blood.
  • The lack of vitality in people’s echoing the pastor’s words.
  • Lining up to get “the body of Christ” which to me simply meant eating a tasteless, thin and dry wafer.
  • Heaven and Hell paired with what you should and shouldn’t do.

I didn’t understand what was the point of any of those particular happenings nor the purpose of the phenomenon as a whole.

Now that my brain has developed and experienced, I feel like I understand the essence of Christianity. Much like most meaningful experiences in life, the intellectual understanding is often complicated but the lessons are simple. I think it is because the mind likes to play hide and seek, it likes drama and playing tricks. Unlike the heart which knows, the veil of the intellect is thick with smoke and mirrors. if you’re able to get beyond, reality becomes very clear; following your heart is always the right way. There is confusion in our mind, not in our heart. The heart only knows truth - nothing else. I choose to believe that there was such a man as Jesus that carried this message.


Jesus-and-his-sheeps


I do feel like there are discrepancies between the church’s account of the events in the life of Christ and what truly happened. But I guess we’ll never know for sure. However, I don’t feel like the reliance on spreading fear through different ultimatum, for example Heaven and Hell, is how Jesus’ temple should be. By reinforcing the narrative that “Jesus died for your sins”, we basically tell people that they are guilty from the get go. Guilty until proven innocent. The church has carried the weight of Jesus’ death for 2000 years and wants to distribute this weight onto devout Christians backs utilizing fearful words.

Personally, I don’t feel like that is a loving way of approaching it. Perhaps “dishonesty silences Jesus in your heart” would be a better way to put it - that by lying, stealing or killing, you are drowning the heart of man, your own heart. The Universe does not allow us to go back in time to correct mistakes, thus the only way is through acceptance and change. The way to honour Jesus’ life and work is to be a good human being; to love abundantly as he professed.

Prayers are not conversations with some ultimate being out there, but promises made to oneself. Promises to improve and become a better human being. All of this is best internalized in complete silence because silence is the language of the Universe. Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, alone with no food and no water feeding only on prayers. In profound immersion in prayers, one can feel the entire Universe on the tip of one’s finger.


small-bird

When you speak, it is silent and when you are silent, it speaks”


Silence is like rest. It is the absence of action, which is the base layer of the Universe. Let us not underestimate the necessity of pauses between actions. Words could not be heard without the silence between them. The taste of coffee is delightful only when enough time has passed between each cup. Bird songs are beautiful because we don’t hear them all the time.

Life is only magical if we don’t constantly chase it. Rest is a universal necessity.